Subliminal Wayfarer

Going against her mood, however, the sun was shining brightly, birds were chirping, and the summer roses and carnations were in full bloom.

Raymond carried a large bag, prepared to leave.

“Can’t you tell me the exact date of when you’ll be back?”

“There are various matters I need to tend to though. I can’t give you a definite answer because some of those matters are new to me in this life. But for sure, I’ll be back before that day.”

“Don’t forget to bring back tailored clothes for me when you come back.”

“Yes. I’ve clearly written down the measurements. But wouldn’t it be better to gain a bit more weight? It might be better to be more generous with your sizes.”

“Don’t admonish me about my clothes.”

“…Yes.”

“Also, you need to buy the shoes as ordered. I don’t like cowhide—it has to be sheep leather.”

“But sheep leather is weak and fragile…”

“It’s pretty though.”

“Yes, I won’t argue. I’ll buy exactly what you wrote, so don’t worry too much.”

Carynne hasn’t been sleeping well lately. Her mind and heart were a mess. But unlike Carynne, Raymond had an endlessly bright face. He casually discussed clothes and shoes and went on primming himself up. And before getting on the horse, he looked at Carynne.

“You’ve got no horse, so it’s better not to think about going downtown.”

“I know.”

“Once everything’s done, let’s go anywhere you want. Whether it’s a snowy plain or a vast beach, it doesn’t matter. Do you have a place you want to go?”

“Let’s talk about it later.”

It was a conversation for another, distant day. And Carynne felt that future was truly too far away. Carynne sighed and then grabbed Raymond’s shoulder, kissing his lips.

They briefly touched and then separated. It was a brief kiss, reminiscent of a sigh.

Carynne looked up at Raymond and said,

“Have a safe journey.”

When Carynne’s face didn’t brighten, Raymond—perhaps intentionally pretending to be cheerful—gave a slightly forced smile.

“It would be nice if you can send me off with a smile.”

“Don’t wanna.”

“At this rate, won’t it torment you for the rest of your life if I don’t come back? You might think, ‘Oh, I should have smiled at Raymond back then!’”

“…Sir Raymond, if you don’t come back, I can just kill myself right away.”

At that, Raymond’s face changed into a complicated expression as he immediately corrected his posture. He gently stroked Carynne’s head and hunched over her. A slightly groaning voice followed.

“…Mmh… I want to get angry and tell you not to say that, but I have nothing to say because I also think that’s the right course of action.”

“Isn’t it?”

Death was no longer a tragedy between them.

As long as Carynne knew that she could start again at any given time after she’d die, death was no different from a small hindrance. At least that was how Carynne saw it.

She was more afraid of waiting than her own death.

At the back of her mind, Carynne had already decided to immediately commit suicide if Raymond were to die. There was no need to wait since she could die any day before that day.

“I’ll be back in a week’s time.”

“If you don’t come back by then, I’ll kill myself. Waiting is annoying.”

“…Still, I hope I can live until the end.”

You should say it more romantically, come on.

“Do I really need to endure more in a world without you?”

“…It touches me to hear you say that, but shouldn’t you think about the fact that I’m trying right now for you, Carynne? For you to live?”

It seems like romantic words don’t work that well. However, when she didn’t say anything back, Raymond shrugged and reached out his hand to her.

It was clear that he was asking for her hand. Carynne sighed for the umpteenth time and extended her hand to him.

“My lifespan is quite long, so it won’t be short this time either.”

“I envy you for that.”

“Do you? Why don’t you try living longer than me for once?”

Raymond kissed the back of her hand and stepped back.

“Anyway, I’ll be back.”

Although they weren’t all that bright, they exchanged somewhat awkward smiles before parting ways.

The sight of them like this was amusing, making Carynne laugh again. In the end, Carynne sent Raymond off with a smile, just as he wished.

“See you later.”

His blonde hair beneath the breaking sunlight was dazzling. Carynne closed her eyes. The wind was fresh, and flower petals fell on her cheeks. The sound of flowing water and birdsong mixed in her ears, creating a peaceful scene.

May he succeed.

The one who strives deserves to reap the harvest.

 

* * *

 

And then, night fell.

Carynne lay alone on the bed, contemplating time.

Raymond was not home.

“……”

She got up from the bed. Half a day had passed. He wouldn’t be back for a long time. Should she go downtown by walking since there were no horses left? Should she wait until morning?

No, that’s not it. She suppressed the desire to leave the house.

If she rashly went out and encountered a bear or got attacked by robbers and died, she wouldn’t have the face to see Raymond in the next life. She decided to endure this time. Should she wait until morning though?

But anyway, Raymond didn’t say anything against wandering around the house.

She got up.

“…Huu.”

The bed, when alone, was incredibly cold.

As her mind became clearer, she blinked in the darkness before getting up.

Sleep simply wouldn’t come. Lying still felt suffocating after just half a day. It was challenging to endure. She needed to move her body to make herself tired.

“…Haa.”

Carynne got off the bed, picked up a small lamp, and lit the candle inside. As the flame flickered, a dim light filled the room. She held the lamp up and rose to her feet. There was no need to dress properly when she was alone.

She looked in the mirror. A faint light shone through her disheveled hair. The candlelight added a sense of gloominess. Even though it was her reflection, it felt unfamiliar.

‘A bit eerie.’

Carynne ran her hand through her hair. Strangely, it sent shivers down her spine.

Why was she scared? She had killed people and wasn’t afraid of death. Yet, when she opened her eyes alone in the mansion, fear crept in. Was she ultimately a weak person? She wondered if Raymond felt any fear when he was alone. He probably didn’t fear much.

She chuckled. It was difficult to imagine Raymond being afraid of anything—not even being alone. Under normal circumstances, he would just say that it’s more dangerous to have people around.

She could never imagine him being scared of this—of the same thing. Or otherwise, if he did fear it, he would think that it’s nothing compared to the threat a real, breathing person could pose.

Carynne turned away from her ghostly reflection.

In truth, her essence wasn’t much different from a ghost. A wandering being, endlessly lost without finding any rest. A specter that roamed the places where she shouldn’t be mingling with people.

Carynne shook her head.

It’s different now. Raymond was here. The fluid running through her veins is not ink—it’s crimson blood, and they would inevitably venture out into the world together.

“…It’s really vast when you’re alone.”

She walked through the corridors.

The Tes Manor was truly massive. Carynne strolled through the corridors at a leisurely pace. It felt like an evening stroll.

It was somewhat thrilling, like going on an adventure. Despite this being her home, it felt unfamiliar, like she had just arrived. In the past, countless servants were always bustling around, but now, there was no one.

No matter how hard Raymond tried, he couldn’t fill the void left by those people. However, the sense of loss from having no one at all beside her was much greater than the emptiness felt when there was once many. Going from 100 to 1 was easier to handle than having 1 to 0.

Carynne walked through the empty corridor, closing and opening her eyes. The corridor was dark, but as she progressed, a large main hall appeared.

The main hall had many glass windows, allowing the moonlight to stream in. Even in the dark night, the moonlight illuminated it directly, making it not too dark. Nevertheless, it was still night.

The hall had a smooth marble floor. Since Raymond polished and cleaned it every day, it glowed even at night.

‘Do I have to clean this entire place myself now?’

Raymond had emphasized several times that there was no need to clean during his absence. It would be meaningless if she slipped and died while cleaning. She didn’t have to cook either, as there were meals pre-arranged for her already—like jerky, military-style rations, and other foods that required no special cooking.

However, if she truly did nothing, dust would settle, and Carynne wasn’t sure if she could endure the sight of gradual filth.

When she had been working as a maid, she had learned the basics. Although her main task was to serve as Isella’s emotional punching bag, she had not completely avoided the other chores. If she were to tidy up this mansion every day, alternating between laziness and diligence, time would pass quickly.

I just need to wait for the day I die.

And Carynne closed her eyes.