Subliminal Wayfarer

Isella Evans was, at the end of the day, ultimately a rival. Carynne and Isella could never be friends. The only time they had come close to being such was when Carynne had been Isella’s maid, actively supporting the girl’s marriage with Raymond.

But now, Raymond could not go to Isella anymore—ever.

The bond between Carynne and Raymond couldn’t be severed. And about the Raymond of the past who was with Isella… No, it’s better not to think about it. Carynne closed her eyes tightly, then opened them. Why hold onto regrets? Why try to feel remorse? Don’t sympathize. She’s not in a position to feel pity for someone else.

If she wanted to feel pity, let it be for Tom, for Nancy, for other poor and downtrodden people. Isella was not an object of pity. Isella was the daughter of Verdic. She’s someone to be opposed, not pitied. And more importantly, Carynne has Raymond. And Isella liked Raymond.

She’s a rival. An enemy.

Carynne propped her chin and wrote his name on the paper with her pen.

 

[ Sir Raymond Saytes ]

 

Her knight.

The only important thing in this world was this one person. Carynne reminded herself again. Even if she’d decide to live more generously this time, she must not forget what’s important.

The important thing is Raymond.

When would Raymond come? How long must she wait?

“…Oh dear.”

Carynne regretted not having arranged beforehand with him where and when to meet. It would have saved her this wait if they had agreed on a place and time before she died. She regretted not having planned what to do if she died before that.

But at that time, Raymond seemed so desperate that Carynne found it difficult to discuss her death with him and, subsequently, what to do if their attempt would fail.

Even on the 100th, 105th, and the very last time, Raymond never gave up hope. He hoped that cutting off everything from Carynne in the world might end it. Ultimately, he failed, but it wasn’t a worthless attempt.

‘If I had died doing various other things, I would have regretted it. It’s better to not regret having given sympathy unnecessarily… It was the right thing to do.’

Carynne affirmed Raymond’s choice. His approach was the best possible way. They couldn’t choose any other method back then. They already ascertained if she would still die on ‘that day’ no matter what, all while he made efforts to prevent anything that could lead to her death before then. Raymond accomplished all of that.

But still, Carynne died.

That’s okay.

Though dying this time was regrettable, there was another chance. Dying was unpleasant, but now would only be the second time repeating this with Raymond. There was still a long way to go before getting tired of it.

Carynne put down the pen and, looking at the name, spoke to Nancy.

“…Nancy. To be honest, there’s a man I plan to marry.”

“…Pardon?”

“Yes. So, I don’t want to meet with Dullan this time.”

“Where did you meet a man, Milady?”

Nancy sat up abruptly. Carynne laughed as she watched the maid’s reaction. Nancy looked surprised and wide-eyed. Carynne nodded to her, affirming again.

“I’m telling the truth.”

“Who is he? My goodness, Milady. When did you meet such a man? It’s not someone from inside the house, is it? Honestly, there’s no man fitting for you…”

Nancy stared at Carynne in amazement. Carynne understood why she was so surprised. She uttered a name unknown to Nancy. Could she possibly know it?

“Sir Raymond Saytes.”

“‘Sir’… A knight? I’ve never heard of him. When did you meet such a man, Milady?”

Nancy tilted her head to the side, completely puzzled. So Carynne elaborated.

“I’ve told you already, Nancy. I died and came back to life. So, he’s a man from my past life.”

“……”

Nancy’s face turned cold.

But Carynne, confident in her love, confessed this boldly.

“He’s a knight, and he’s handsome and wealthy. An aristocrat and nothing less than perfect. He’s the ultimate male protagonist who would give up everything for me.”

“Umm… Okay.”

“Your face says you don’t believe me.”

“No… I do believe you….”

Nancy’s face expressed nothing but skepticism. She even sighed deeply, not bothering to hide her disbelief.

Carynne persisted without giving in.

“And he’s well-endowed down there, too.”

“Yes… That is important…”

Nancy was struggling not to laugh, her face almost twitching.

“Ahh, so that’s why you’re refusing to get engaged with Lord Dullan?”

“Even without that as a factor, do I have any reason to like Dullan at all?”

Nancy thought for a moment and then nodded.

“No, you don’t.”

 

* * *

 

As though sensing what the two women felt, Dullan did not come.

And as her birthday approached, Carynne became increasingly restless. What should she do? What kind of preparations should she make? Doing nothing was harder. She should have asked Raymond to come a bit earlier.

“Why aren’t you eating?”

The fief lord spoke to her while Carynne was lost in thought.

“Sorry, Father.”

Carynne apologized briefly and started eating. The meal wasn’t particularly appealing. Mashed boiled eggs, roasted potatoes, and turkey roast were served. A simple meal, but that was usual here. It would have been different if Verdic or at least Dullan were here. She chewed the turkey slowly, finding it dry and slightly gamey.

‘I thought the real world would have more lavish meals.’

She felt slightly melancholic thinking about the ‘world outside the novel’, which Nancy whispered was made of only good things. But such a world did not exist. Good family, good friends, better thoughts, a better world. None of them did.

“Still, it’s nice to have a meal like this with you.”

The fief lord said this to Carynne. She met his eyes, and he was smiling kindly. Carynne felt like she was meeting her father for the first time. She swallowed her food and replied.

“Yes, Father.”

“Let’s have meals together more often.”

“Yes.”

The servants opened the curtains and windows behind them. The wind had warmed up in the past few days. The meal was more enjoyable than she thought.

 

* * *

 

Dullan did not come, and the birthday banquet was canceled.

Carynne sat at her desk, rolling a pen in her hand, deep in thought. Nancy brought scones and tea.

“What are you writing so intently?”

“Have you properly conveyed it to Dullan?”

“Yes. I said that Milady didn’t have a coin or anything like that, and that you’re not interested in meeting with him because your previous memories have become vivid.”

“Good. Well done.”

“But how is that related to your situation?”

“I’m thinking about it…”

Carynne sighed and brought the tea to her lips, the aroma filling her mouth.

What if Dullan made her barren before the loop even started? How could she escape then? Torture and the threat of death didn’t work on someone who believed and worshipped eternal life.

And even with thorough precautions, she inevitably died on ‘that day’. Even if she could hasten the moment of her death, avoiding that day was still impossible.

Pregnancy seems like the answer, but how? Just controlling her food didn’t work.

“I want to get pregnant, but I think I might be barren.”

“…I see. You have a man, right? Oh, you mentioned it… How did Milady end up like this…”

“I’m serious.”

Carynne bit the pen’s end and sank into thought. What should she do now?

She wanted to make choices she hadn’t made before, do things she wanted to do. She had already tried the most extreme but seemingly most successful actions.

Last time, all risky possibilities were blocked, she ate only food untouched by Dullan, and focused very much on trying for a baby.

Yet still, she died.

This time, changing her approach might not be a bad idea.