Subliminal Wayfarer

“You don’t even believe what you’re saying.”

“That’s not important.”

A dark hand swept over Carynne’s hair. Funnily enough, the touch felt comforting. And then, Nancy’s voice began to seep into Carynne’s ears, slowly but mercilessly.

 

 

It’s okay, it’s okay.

Just accept it. Live simply. You are truly beautiful, after all.

Now go back to sleep.

It’s okay.

Everything frightening is just a part of a dream.

All the sadness belongs in a book.

You are dreaming, Miss.

This world is almost like a dream to you.

Soon, you and the knight will fall in love.

And all your hardships will end.

 

* * *

 

I am me!

Mom has gone mad, Dad too! Even in death, Mom tries to control me!

Carynne, clutching a rope, ran out to the garden. She couldn’t live like this. It couldn’t end this way. It had been a year since she regained her memory. Until yesterday, she believed she was the protagonist in a book, insisting in her diary that she must escape to find her real self somewhere else.

A crumpled diary page from the back of a drawer brought back painful memories, but she feared they wouldn’t last. If she lost her memories again, who knows how long it would be. Carynne was utterly sick of it all. She wanted to die while she still remembered who she was.

Carynne didn’t believe in a life after death. It was unthinkable. But her parents incessantly believed it, claiming it was inevitable that she would die, and that erasing her memory would help. The more she expressed her resentment, the more they were convinced they needed to erase her memory. Taking drugs and listening to lullabies made her calm and obedient.

Every time Carynne recovered her memories, her rebellion grew more violent, leading to self-harm and suicide attempts. If she forgot this time, she might truly become lost to herself.

Let’s die.

While I’m still me.

“…Argh!”

Carynne slipped, mud splashing everywhere. Tears streamed from her eyes.

“Hiic… hiic…”

Carynne tied the rope to a tree, forming a noose. This should do it, she thought, recalling illustrations from melodramatic novels the maids read. Even without her own identity, such memories remained. It was a relief. Carynne placed her head inside the loop.

Take that, all of you!

“Why…”

But Carynne fell. The knot wasn’t tied tightly enough due to her lack of knowledge. The rope left a gash on her neck as it fell to the ground. Carynne stood and cried. She was now sixteen years old. Years had passed since her mother’s death. Her memory was fragmented, mostly spent in ignorance.

She looked up at the mansion.

How long can I remain myself? Does turning seventeen mean it’s my birthday? Would it be a success if I die today or tomorrow?

But after another failure, she was afraid to die again. Her throat hurt.

How long can I be me?

 

 

I fell into a novel.

To escape this book, I must fall in love. True love. And then I will be happy. This book is a romance novel. If I find true love, I will have all the happiness in the world.

It’s okay.

 

 

The garden was wet with rain. Carynne shivered with cold. Home, I must go home. It’s cold. She almost tripped over the rope at her feet but managed to get to her room. Strangely, she knew which one was hers.

 

* * *

 

“I think Mom wasn’t quite right in the head.”

“Miss, don’t talk about Madam Catherine like that. She was a good person.”

Nancy, who had received a home, salary, and respect from Catherine, wanted to repay her kindness in her own way. But Carynne replied with a voice tired of Nancy’s loyalty.

“So, you think my mother was normal? Drugging and brainwashing her daughter like this?”

“……”

“See.”

She thought she knew the reason.

Catherine, too, had been entangled with a powerful and insane man like Gueuze.

But back then, Prince Gueuze was the most eligible bachelor in the country. He was the future king, handsome, and he loved Catherine. Perhaps Catherine wouldn’t have been satisfied with any other man.

Carynne knew all too well that choosing a man based solely on character was foolish.

But Gueuze was much too insane.

Catherine suffered at his hands, and like Carynne, she had repeatedly faced death. She must have been disillusioned with the endless fear of death and the idea of escaping through pregnancy.

Carynne understood why her mother acted the way she did.

That didn’t mean she approved of it as another victim herself, though.

How many times had Catherine died trying to escape him? Carynne wondered.

“How many times did Mom say she died?”

“She never said anything about that.”

“…I see.”

“How many times have you died, Miss?”

Nancy asked. Carynne frowned, thinking. How many times was it?

“Maybe a hundred and six?”

“Such a delusion… That’s very specific.”

Carynne sighed, looking at Nancy who still didn’t believe her.

Nancy had her own kind of affection for Carynne, evident in her meticulous care. But she also harbored arrogance, the product of inferiority from her origins and the pride of being able to manipulate Carynne’s mind. That’s what led her to subtly look down on her.

It wasn’t pleasant, but Carynne was too tired to engage in another life-and-death struggle with a pistol. Nancy wouldn’t betray her as long as she was well-compensated.

Carynne had tried to approach things this way and that, but at the end of the day, it was enough to just tolerate it and move on. Age seemed to have made her more lenient.

“Haa…”

Carynne flopped onto her back. She rolled around in bed. What should she do first this time? She wanted to live more leisurely before Raymond arrived. Just knowing someone remembered her changed her so much. What if she couldn’t succeed again next time?

Dying in Raymond’s embrace, like last time, didn’t seem so bad.

“Miss, acting so childishly at your age?”

“Playing caterpillar.”

Carynne wrapped herself in the blanket and retorted. Nancy gasped and then unwound the blanket Carynne had curled into.

“Don’t act so childishly. I didn’t raise you like this.”

“You entered this house when I was already grown. Who exactly did you raise?”

I know that my nanny was Missus Deere when I was young.

Carynne replied, and Nancy laughed awkwardly.

“Remembering even that, are we?”

“Anyway, I won’t cause trouble anymore, so don’t try to brainwash me. As I said, I’ll pay you more.”

“Alright, alright.”

Nancy nodded. For her, seeing Carynne so stable, it made no sense to force brainwashing and forcefully feed her medication during her cries and screams.

Though Carynne was still talking about her delusion of coming back to life after dying—which Nancy couldn’t believe—she was showing a stable side that Nancy hadn’t seen in a long time. And with the promise of extra money, Nancy was more than willing to betray the fief lord and side with Carynne. After all, she had grown more attached to the Carynne she had cared for.

“So, what are you going to do? Your birthday is coming up, Miss, and Lord Dullan will be here. You have an engagement ceremony planned.”

Should she meet Dullan? Carynne felt like a lead weight had lodged in her chest. That bastard. She gritted her teeth. The biggest problem was that he couldn’t even remember.