Subliminal Wayfarer

“Yes, of course I believe you.”

“Then please cancel my coming-of-age ceremony. Those people are not needed.”

“Carynne, your relatives… they will be of great help to you in the future.”

“They haven’t been of any help so far.”

“……”

The fief lord was at a loss for words. Carynne stared intently at him. In truth, he did not believe—he only thought he did. Deep wrinkles formed on the fief lord’s face.

“Then first, I’ll write a letter to Dullan and tell him we’re postponing things for a while. But I can’t stop him from coming here this time. Since Dullan is the next fief lord, he has a lot to learn from me.”

“Please postpone everything. And I don’t want to see Dullan’s face.”

“But he still must come here. Even if it’s not to marry you.”

“Then I want to go somewhere else in the meantime.”

“Carynne!”

The fief lord called out to Carynne urgently.

Carynne realized that she was pushing her father too hard on the first day. For now, at least the engagement with Dullan would not push through.

“Fine. But I won’t get engaged to Dullan, and I won’t attend the coming-of-age ceremony.”

“…Carynne, I’ve already told your relatives. You need to attend…”

“Father, I’ve died countless times now.”

Carynne emphasized slowly again. The fief lord, who had said he believed with his own mouth, would have to pretend to believe this too.

“And those relatives haven’t been of any help or influence. I want to live more genuinely now.”

“……”

The fief lord could not win against Carynne.

Carynne now knew how to deal with the fief lord. In fact, it hadn’t been long since she could openly discuss such deep matters with him.

After she accepted that the fief lord was her real father and opened up to him about killing someone, she had learned how to handle him.

The fief lord, ultimately, was a man who couldn’t resist his child and would give in when pushed.

“Milord truly does love you, Milady.”

“Yes, well, that’s likely.”

Carynne replied, and Nancy chided her.

“He’s been preparing a big birthday celebration for you with Lord Dullan there because he loves you. He’ll be very upset.”

“Nancy, Nancy. First of all, even holding a birthday banquet is too much for our household. And Dullan is just… the worst choice.”

As Nancy re-braided Carynne’s hair, she asked,

“I know Lord Dullan is a bit off. But still, he helped you find stability.”

“Does finding stability through drugs actually mean anything?”

“Sometimes, that’s a big help.”

Nancy, who had entered this house through hypnosis, naturally sided with Dullan. The things she and Dullan had done to Carynne were essentially similar. But for Carynne, she wished they both would just bite the bullet.

“I’ve already endured it several times.”

“What?”

“That thing.”

Small, glittering, and shining. Carynne, fixing her hair and adding decorations, said to Nancy,

“And you, if you need money, just say so. I’ll give you that much separately. But never touch someone else’s belongings… especially the guests’.”

“How can you say such a thing?”

Nancy protested in a flustered voice, but Carynne flicked her finger dismissively. Nancy was a bold thief who had even stolen Isella’s necklace that time.

“But Milady, why are you dressing up so diligently? No one is visiting today.”

“I want to go out.”

“Where to?”

“Anywhere. Maybe just downtown for starters.”

Nancy shook her head in confusion at Carynne’s antsy demeanor, but Carynne just smiled. She wouldn’t know what it felt like to live in captivity for nearly a year.

 

* * *

 

She felt strange moving so fervently from the day after her return. There was really nothing to do at this time. Each time she died and started over, she had to struggle with anguish.

Carynne, who had experienced a life of bracing for death over a hundred times, lost her energy in a crippling sense of helplessness whenever this time came.

Meeting Dullan during the major event of her coming-of-age ceremony, then meeting Isella, and afterwards, Raymond.

In her life, there were always sequential encounters and events, making it difficult to see anything else. Truly trivial matters didn’t catch her eye.

Carynne opened the window of the carriage.

“The air is still cold.”

Nancy tried to dissuade Carynne, but she shook her head. She felt suffocated. The cold air of early spring flowed in through the open window, and just seeing the swaying scenery brought her joy.

Indeed, being cooped up in the mansion all year round was hard.

‘Actually, it was okay before.’

Carynne thought about her life decades and a hundred years ago when she had done all sorts of things. But back then, she was literally obsessed with finding possibilities. And having just come back to life, she struggled with the despair of living again.

The mere fact that Raymond remembered changed the world so much.

Acknowledging that it was not a fictitious novel but the real world, she could live her life. Therefore, Carynne decided not to let even a single day go to waste.

‘…Come to think of it, how should I live this time?’

Carynne thought of the coin she had thrown away. Living this way or that, the weight of life was equal. But this time, she had melted the coin.

“…Might it be a pity?”

“What might?”

“Have you cleaned the fireplace yet?”

“I’m not quite sure what you are talking about.”

Nancy asked in confusion, but Carynne spoke slowly again.

“There’s something that I chucked into the fireplace—if there’s still anything left of it there, you can have it.”

“What did you put in there?”

“A gold coin.”

“What? Why would you… Milady, His Lordship isn’t that wealthy.”

Nancy’s eyes widened in surprise. Carynne laughed at her expression and then spoke slowly.

“You said you don’t believe me, but in fact, I had a coin as evidence before I died. A small gold coin… if I hold it in my hand and die, I come back to life with it. So, I had always engraved the number of times I died and came back on it.”

But now it’s unnecessary. The proof isn’t the coin, not just a single object. Now, I’ll wait for Sir Raymond, my male protagonist.

Carynne thought to herself as she felt the wind. But when Nancy didn’t respond, she looked back at her.

“What’s wrong?”

“Um… So, that’s important to you, right?”

“It was… But it’s no longer important now. Why do you look so serious?”

Nancy looked at her hands without looking at Carynne, her face complicated.

“Actually, Milady… I don’t know if I should say this, but a letter arrived from Lord Dullan recently.”

“For me?”

“No, for me. And he asked if you have a coin with numbers engraved on it in your possession. But… I don’t know… Milady, have you really come back to life? I honestly can’t believe it. But…”

Fear flickered on Nancy’s face.

And Carynne recognized that expression.

It was the emotion she always felt when looking in the mirror.

The fear of the unknown.

 

* * *

 

What exactly were Dullan’s intentions?

What did he want? Carynne couldn’t understand Dullan and, frankly, she didn’t want to.

What he wanted wasn’t within Carynne’s realm of understanding. He didn’t desire gold or jewels, and marriage with Carynne wasn’t the answer either.

Nevertheless, he was deeply entangled in Carynne’s past, present, and future.

Right, she remembered. In a previous life, Dullan had asked Nancy about the coin, too.