Subliminal Wayfarer

Carynne thought about her past that she couldn’t remember.

At some point, she had held onto that gold coin. It was an object of comfort for her, proof that she had not lost her mind, a medium to reaffirm the reality of her repeated life—even if others didn’t believe it.

She thought about the numbers engraved on the gold coin.

She had surely lost the coin midway. So why did she….

Carynne wondered if she truly held the coin every time she met her demise. Her memories from the times enveloped in the madness of death were vague.

Hadn’t she lost the coin last time? And when she was murdered by Borwen in quick succession, she wasn’t even holding the coin.

And the last time, she died in Raymond’s arms.

“…Why did I have the gold coin this time?”

Carynne genuinely couldn’t remember why she first got that gold coin. As a matter of fact, she never really thought deeply about it before.

She just picked up a coin from the market and used it as evidence, engraving and erasing repeatedly, but the coin itself was nothing special.

Could even that have been calculated by Dullan?

Carynne murmured to Nancy.

“You said you’d tell Dullan if you saw it.”

“Yes… He told me to definitely say if there are numbers engraved on it.”

“When?”

“About two days ago, recently. But Milady, is this really… okay?”

Nancy was always there beside Carynne—dressing her, washing her, feeding her. It wasn’t strange for her to know everything, being always with her.

But what did Dullan know? It was frustrating how no answers would come out of that man, whether she tortured him or married him.

But for the first time, she could change something else.

Carynne stared at Nancy. Her expression betrayed her discomfort, but it didn’t seem like she would betray her.

Carynne thought of the numerous pasts where she died by Nancy’s hand, killed Nancy, or when they talked. Stories emerge only after such pasts.

“But I didn’t know I’d be this confused from the first day….”

“…What should I do, Milady?”

Carynne decided to speak to Nancy.

Last time, she told Nancy to say exactly that there was a coin. Then this time, she must make a different choice.

“Don’t send any answer to Dullan. Just say you don’t know. There’s nothing in my hands. Got it?”

“Yes, I understand.”

Nancy nodded. Carynne felt slightly relieved seeing her reaction and turned her gaze back outside the window.

It was still early spring. The start of the season when nothing had sprouted yet.

Maybe things would be different starting from this point. Everything changed when she started killing.

Then, how should she live this time?

Last time, she tossed a coin to choose between good and evil, but what path should she take this time?

She already decided to live more leisurely, but thinking about how the coin might have originated from Dullan made her feel suffocated.

Still, Carynne decided to carry out what she resolved in her past life.

“Nancy, as I said earlier, if there are any remnants of the gold coin left, you can have it all.”

“Really?”

Even amidst this, Nancy’s voice carried a hint of joy. Carynne chuckled.

“Yes. It might be hard to get its full value since it melted in the fire, but it’s still worth its weight in gold.”

“Okay… But why do you do this? You’ve never done this before.”

“I told you already. I’ve lived several times.”

“Ah, yes… You did say that. Anyway, I’m happy.”

“That’s good.”

Carynne sat, propped her chin on one hand, watching Nancy smile with anticipation.

This life seemed to be quite interesting.

Dullan had been planning everything for a long time. But ultimately, he was bound to fail.

This hope was akin to certainty.

“This time, I want to try living kindly.”

Carynne thought about the gold coin she threw into the fire. The coin was unnecessary. It was distorted and destroyed in the fire. The choice was hers. And Carynne resolved as soon as she had opened her eyes in the garden.

“Falling in love makes you brave.”

“Really? I feel rewarded for diligently reading those romance novels for you.”

“Yes.”

Carynne nodded.

“Truly.”

Carynne intended to live kindly.

For her knight, who shone brighter than gold.

Those who say walking together in hell is romantic are defeatists. Love isn’t like that. It’s not about getting lost in a novel together—it’s about wanting to give a better life for the other.

Now that Raymond had come to her, Carynne wanted to give him back his life.

 

* * *

 

“Stop here.”

The place Carynne arrived at was an old bakery, also serving as a mill. It held a bit of power among the villagers. To Carynne, it seemed a very small influence, but for those at the very bottom, it was a place to wield some swagger.

And here, there was someone she wanted to look for.

“Why come to such a place?”

The coachman asked in a bewildered voice from behind. Carynne shrugged and simply said, “Just a whim.” Nancy also didn’t seem pleased with Carynne’s choice, but ultimately, it was Carynne’s decision.

“Wouldn’t it be better to visit somewhere else? How about buying a new ribbon for your hat, Milady?”

“Let’s stop here first and then go.”

“Alright. But I don’t see a reason to visit here.”

“Maybe buy some bread?”

Then a man’s voice was heard. He had been sitting in the driver’s seat and followed Nancy and Carynne out.

“It’s a waste of money.”

Borwen stepped down from the back of the carriage.

“Lady Carynne, I don’t know why you’re visiting this place, but this bakery doesn’t produce good bread.”

Carynne looked at Borwen, Dullan’s underling, feeling a bit tense. He had killed her several times recently—all because she had killed Dullan.

Borwen said he was thoroughly on Dullan’s side after owing him a debt. Unlike Nancy, he wasn’t someone she could negotiate with.

“Whether it has taste or not, I’ll decide.”

“Milady.”

But even so, he wouldn’t do anything to her now. He had done his best to clean up after her when she committed murder. It should be fine as long as she wouldn’t kill Dullan.

Carynne stood firm, and eventually, Bowen stepped back.

“Milady, you’re awesome. That punk of a footman keeps acting all high and mighty with me too, you know? Even though he’s just a servant.”

Nancy whispered. She seemed quite pleased that Carynne ignored Borwen’s opinion. They didn’t get along well, to the extent that they wouldn’t hesitate to chop each other up after death.

“But don’t fight too much with Borwen. It’ll be your loss if it turns into a fight.”

“Milady, do you really think of me, your dedicated maid and one with… abilities, on the same level as a mere footman? I feel underappreciated.”

You know you get beheaded after death? I killed you last time, but it was him who chopped you up so passionately.

But it wasn’t something Carynne could discuss with Nancy.

“…Wouldn’t it be better for you to watch and learn from Donna when you’re with others?”

“Donna… You mean the laundry maid, Donna?”

“Yes. Her. She seems to get along well with others.”

“How can you compare me to that pathetic girl….”

Carynne sighed softly and moved forward. It seemed Donna’s strengths only emerged in critical situations.

Not that she wanted to meet Donna again. Speaking to Nancy and speaking to Donna were entirely different matters.

But Carynne felt a roughness in her mouth as she remembered Donna’s round face. It was an emotion she had felt before. A deep sense of defeat, realizing that past lives do not return.

But this too shall pass with a few more repeated iterations.

Hadn’t she experienced it several times already? Relying on others, receiving reciprocation, accomplishing feats. Even with all these events, it’s all wiped away as she’d return to the beginning again.

No, it’s okay. Even if others couldn’t remember, there was one person who could.

As Carynne moved forward, Borwen went ahead to open the door.

Jingle.

As the door opened, a plump man sitting at the counter inside hurriedly stood up. He looked bewildered to see such out-of-place customers.